It has taken me the better part of the month to come to terms with what is actually going on.  Between the time I found out and now, I’ve managed to keep myself occupied and busy, so that I wouldn’t have to deal.  Or, rather, I’ve been dealing by distracting myself from what is really really going on.

Yesterday, it hit me.  Like a ton of bricks.  Like a train.  Like an eighteen-wheeler going 80 mph.  Like any other applicable idiom of which one might think.  Like that.

I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before.  No, actually I do.  I didn’t want to deal, and I still don’t think I want to deal but now I have no choice.  Thing is, I don’t know how to deal.  I don’t know if I’m talking too much or not enough or if I’m talking about the right things, or trusting God enough or not enough.  If I’m ignoring facts, if I’m being pessimistic or optimistic, if I’m worrying the right amount.  If I’m being a good daughter.  If I can handle being more than two thousand miles away from my family during this thing thats going on.  I don’t know.

All I do know is that, for the time being, I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do and I’ve got the most wonderful people on which to lean.  Or cry.  Or pout.  Or completely decompensate.

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve the people I have around me, but I thank God and my lucky stars and whatever other powers that be for their presence.  I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them.

Advertisements